The Mum Guilt Epidemic

Spreading through our homes, as rapidly as Covid 19 and with no vaccine to protect ourselves from it, The Mum Guilt Epidemic is having a crippling effect on the mental health of a nation’s parents. 

Although the term mum guilt is often used alongside a hashtag and a canny marketing ploy for well-being brands and luxury babywear, we mustn’t allow this to become confused with its reality.  Mum Guilt is a serious issue. 

If you are unlucky enough to have experienced it, you are likely to be familiar with the unwavering belief that you are a failure as a parent and, worse still, the belief that you are having a detrimental impact on your baby’s educational and emotional development. 

A new mutation

The current pandemic has increased the pressure on parents to such an extent that even those who had previously felt confident about their parenting skills, are now also doubting their abilities. The pressures of home schooling, working from home in combination with a lack of activity groups and other enrichment activities are feeding the idea that parents are in some way responsible for delaying their child’s progress. A distressing thought for mothers who are doing their best in an already stressful situation.

What are the signs?

You are finding your child’s behaviour a challenge 

Your children’s constant testing of boundaries and emotional outbursts are running you ragged, and you are feeling angry and frustrated. 

These negative feelings cause the mum guilt to build. But just because you feel you need to let off steam and take some time for yourself, it does not make you a bad parent. You feel guilty for losing your cool, something that every parent does on occasion. However, hours spent condemning yourself only make things worse. You’re better to reflect on what to do differently next time. 

Children are very good at pushing our buttons and testing our limits. It’s their superpower and, frustratingly, also essential to their natural development. However, this boundary testing is not a reflection of you as a parent and it is certainly not your fault. We are all human and getting things wrong is all part of being one. 

You’re finding your kids a bit dull

You are not a bad parent just because you don’t love every minute spent in your child’s company. Hour long chats about Minecraft and endless reruns of Peppa Pig don’t really do it for me either. 

A daily desire to gaze lovingly into your child’s eyes and spend every minute in their company is not a prerequisite for being a loving parent. You can love them and still find them annoying. 

If you are finding things are becoming monotonous, perhaps it is time to do something that you enjoy and take your children along with you. Now, I’m sure they will complain about it: kids do love to moan. However, they moan about things they like doing too; it’s just what they do. So you may as well have that soundtrack of complaint on in the background while having a coffee with a friend, wandering around the shops or going on a long walk once in a while. 

You don’t have to devote every spare minute of your free time to their enjoyment or education. It’s important that children learn to tolerate boredom at a young age. They’ll need to cope with it enough when they reach adulthood!

Not spending enough time with your child

There aren’t any magical solutions to this type of guilt, however I do have three questions worth pondering: 

•   Could you give them more time if you wanted to?

•   Do you want to?

•   What is ‘enough’ time anyway?

Your spare time is exactly that; yours. You have every right to share it around, particularly if it is scarce. It doesn’t have to be focused in entirely one direction. You are more likely to relish the time with your children if you have saved some for yourself - my goodness you have earned it! 

I can’t provide for my child

It is hard not to feel disappointed when you hear about the lavish gifts or holidays that are bestowed upon other children. However, children are able to understand the concept of money from a surprisingly young age if you explain it to them. Giving the opportunity to learn about saving and budgeting certainly won’t hurt them either. 

What may surprise you, however, is that pang you feel when you aren’t able to give them the latest experience or accessory, is likely to be felt far more acutely by you than it is them. Look back to your happiest child-hood memories (if you are lucky enough to have some). Can you put a price on those? 

If you had very little when you were growing up, it isn’t your responsibility to make up for it now either. Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. A child’s basic need is to feel loved and secure, and this costs very little, no matter what the advertising companies might be trying to tell you. 

Lie to me

The reason that Mum Guilt is so good at spreading is because, without even realising it, we are part of the problem. Guilt is a very unpleasant emotion to live with and difficult to talk about. So instead of freeing ourselves of our guilty feelings, we bury the feelings inside of ourselves and quickly that guilt turns into shame. When we feel ashamed, it feels easier to lie to others about how we are doing, and eventually even to ourselves. If you don’t face, you don’t have to feel it. 

This false illusion is made even easier to fabricate now we have social media. Our parents only had to meet the expectations of their parents and other school run mums. Now, with a swipe of a screen, we have instant access to the lives of mums across the globe. 

Each image projects the ‘perfect illusion’ through our screens and the more we look at it, the more inadequate we feel. Even the parents who are posting about #mumguilt have added a filter, put on clean clothes and told their darling child to smile whilst wiping the remains of their breakfast off their face. These images are far from candid, yet we still buy in to the story being told. 

Then we do the same and the epidemic continues. I am just as guilty as the next person for checking my hair and clearing the clutter before pressing that all important camera button. 

We are trapped in a fake world, telling made up stories, while hoping someone can feel our pain. It’s scary really. 

The ‘Good Enough’ mother

After years of research, Donald Winnicot, a paediatrician and child psychotherapist, developed the concept of the ‘good enough’ mother. He concluded that children do better emotionally when their parents fail to meet their needs in manageable ways. He went on to state that mothers who tried to maintain the impossible standards of perfection are at risk of having a detrimental impact on both themselves and their children. It’s best to be ‘good enough’.

‘The good enough mother is one who makes active adaptation to the infant’s needs, an active adaptation that actively lessens, according to the infant’s growing ability to account for failure of adaptation and to tolerate the results of frustration.’

It’s ok for children to see us make mistakes, they will learn that it is part of being human and in turn will learn to be more accepting of their own. 

‘Good enough parenting encompasses being sensitive, warm and empathic towards your baby, being physically and emotionally available for her and meeting her needs responsively.’ ‘The good enough parent stands in contrast to the ‘perfect’ parent and recognises that it is not possible to be empathic, available and immediately responsive at all times.’ Dr Bronwyn Leigh

Is there a vaccination?

In short, no. However, I can offer some suggestions that may ease your discomfort a little. 

Find a friend

If you can find the courage to talk to just one person about how you really feel, someone who might just understand the struggles you are facing, you will feel so much better.  Friend, family member or counsellor, it’s good to talk. You are not alone.

What really makes your child smile?

Children are less influenced by the outside world and will judge your parental qualities through a completely different lens. Ask them what they really need from you and you may find their expectations are very different to those you expect. A child needs to feel loved, safe and to be heard. They may also request a Happy Meal to be fair and I apologise in advance if the answer is a new pair of over-priced trainers or the latest games console. 

 You are enough

When you wrap your child in a hug, I promise that they won’t be thinking about your failings, just everything there is to love about you in that moment. You are good enough - be proud!